Breaking Down & Rebuilding Me

My last blog detailed me getting back on the fitness wagon & taking control back in my life. Well I can safely say that I have missed the wagon.

Things haven't been going the way I planned. This past Thursday at work, I had what I'm calling a mental breakdown. The stresses that have been a part of my life both personally & professionally finally took their toll & I just had all I could take. I honestly came about 30 seconds from vocalizing the thought that was in my head which was simply... "I quit..."

Thankfully those words weren't ever stated and nothing of the sort like that happened. Some people noticed on Thursday & Friday that I wasn't doing so well, some others either didn't notice or didn't care.

Life lately is being put in perspective for me. Some of the problems I have been having, have the simplest solutions yet I can't seem to follow through with it right now. I know what my problem is, my problem is this... I'm a people pleaser, I'd rather not start an argument because I'm probably the least confrontational person in the world. I care more about others feelings then I do about my own. I'd rather not start a fight because I'd rather people just be happy and not think badly of me.

I keep a lot of things bottled up, I'd rather not bother anyone about my problems. Then sometimes I address my problems with everyone except for the person I should truly address with the problem. For the past 31 years, I've been pretty good about solving my own problems... I'm in the process now of solving my own problems once more...

I'm taking this weekend, just relaxing at my apartment and reminding myself of who I want to be. This is going to be a process, it won't be solved in one night, one weekend or even probably a week. It will take a while and I have to realize that, nothing great happens over night.

One day soon I'm going to start chasing the dream again, I'm not 100% sure what that dream is or who it will involve. I just know for now I need to just concentrate on me, my family & having the people in my life that are best for me. Just because you have 184 friends on Facebook doesn't really mean they'll be there for you if you needed them. I honestly would try & be there for everyone of them and expect nothing in return.

That is another one of my problems, my generosity... If I constantly am doubting whether people are true friends or if they're just taking advantage of my generous nature then I need to just learn it's time to say no, good bye, hope you have a great life.

A line that keeps going through my head lately is Dr Phil's famous quote of: "How's that working for you?"

Well there have definitely been some things in my life that haven't really been working for me, yet I continue to allow them to keep happening. Confrontation is a part of life & I can't continue to avoid it because bottling it all up for too long eventually leads to it exploding and destroying everything I worked so hard to build.

I will rebuild me, I will make me stronger... That that doesn't kill me will only make me stronger... Change is a part of my life & I need to really make a change in my life. I've talked the talk, now it's up to me & only me to walk the walk.

30 Days, 30 Nights

There's only so long that you can live on the glory of past accomplishments. Last year at this time I was on a journey to lose some major weight. I was able to drop about 40 pounds.

Since then I fell back on to old habits and gained some of the weight back. About 10-15 pounds I put back on over the course of the year. The funny thing was this past week some co-workers commented to me about how much weight I had lost.

It was funny in that I hadn't had anyone comment on that in awhile... The last time was when I saw my family again and they definitely noticed a big change in me. I definitely haven't felt like I did anything to lose weight in a long time though.

Well the time has come to again put up or shut up. I can't keep on living on the past glory, it's time to get back to completing that goal I started a year & a half ago.

The goal is simple to drop the rest of the weight I had been meaning to drop but I'm going to set the time frame to only 30 days.

In 30 days, my friends/co-workers Matt & Eddie are having their yearly birthday party. Last year I remember it being a special time since a lot of people noticed that I had made a big change in my life. I currently weigh about the same amount as I did last year for the birthday party last year.

So for the next 30 days I will be giving up the party life, unless it's for a legitimate reason like a best friends birthday. I'm going to layoff the sweets and the junk food and begin once again to truly realize my potential.

I write this blog so that I can be held accountable. This has been a goal that I have wanted to accomplish for a long time and it's time I put in the work to finish it. My friends watched me start this journey last year & this year I'm going to do everything in my power to complete it.

The journey won't be easy to complete but it is a necessary journey to complete...

Starting tomorrow night after work my journey begins again.... 30 days to go....